I'm sitting here again, feeling exhausted bored. In fact, I'm typing with my eyes closed. So I can't be sure if it's my tirednes that's talking or if it's something else, but the hospital seemed to beat me again today.
I'm just starting to pick up on the reason for it now. I went and had my CPE Independent Supervision with Tor today and I talked about how I have been lazy lately. I've been avoiding the hospital. I've been avoiding going into patient rooms. I've been avoiding rejection and I've been avoiding my anxiety. It feels like I am living out of fear instead of living tonto an much more awesome reality that God wants for me. In short, it seems the difference for is the same difference as there is betweeen being fearful and being fearsome.
I want to be fearsome, but part of me is content with my tendency towards escapism. I want to get out of this reality and enter into one where I feel totally safe and accepted. So I go onto the Cincy Jungle, not because I'm looking for news and up to date information on the Bengals, it's because I've been looking for a way to get out. The hospital is intimidating me, and I'm being crushed under its weight.
This is really a hard truth to live into. I want to be a fearsome chaplain here, but instead I am playing the role of the mouse. Hiding is much easier than confronting.
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